Over the years I have attained the perception or belief by the people I know (i.e. friends, family, co-workers and past intimate relationships) that I am a highly secretive and private person. I do not deny nor do I do anything to dispel this belief. I in fact, do all that is possible to cultivate the persona of being an intensely private/secret person, sometimes it is just out of habit and others it just out desire to continue the perception. I probably would be a great secret agent. Hmm...Maybe, I am a secret agent? So secret that I do not even know that I am one. I think, my friends who consider me to be close to them do not even really know who I am or what is going on in my life. It is a strange dichotomy to be so private yet have friends that I consider close and in reality I am not that close to them.
My friends usually have no problem telling me all about their lives and what they are thinking, doing or even fear. I suppose this comes from the fact that they know they can trust in me and I would not divulge to others, hence my nickname "The Vault".
Being "The Vault" is not an easy name or burden to carry. There have been times when some information has leaked out but for the most part it has remained shut and sealed (Peach Schnapps does not unlock the vault). Sometimes, I feel burdened by being "The Vault" and I just want to burst force with all the things or confidences people have told me over the years, but yet at the same time I actually enjoy the role of "The Vault". Imagine people think of me in such a way and with high regard that they know they can trust me with their secrets or issues and I will not tell anyone else.
I suppose this entrusting of trust (does that make sense?) comes from my own personal behavior of not talking about myself. Maybe its that they know that I will not gossip, but we are all human and the excitement of the vicarious rush of hearing about peoples lives or secrets is kind of fun and we are all guilty of talking about people or friends even when we should not. I think my desire for privacy comes from that I do not want people to talk about me, but the reality is that people talk about me. This happens because I do not let any information about myself come out. I know this, because a friend of mine has told me as much; people actually think that I lead some grand or clandestine life. I really should lead such a life, I have seen enough James Bond movies and the secret life that he lives does seem kind of fun and exciting.
Even with the women that I have had intimate relationships with, I am and have not truly been intimate with. The intimacy that I speak of is not in the physical sense but on the intimate level of sharing and telling each other what we are feeling, thinking, fears or even problems. If I cannot be open and allow myself to vulnerable to the woman I care about and even love then with whom can I be?
I always feel that telling/talking about my problems/issues, fears or just about me “Matthew” with my friends or girlfriends would be a burden to them, expose me or even that they would not be interested in listening to what I have going on. Thus, I continue to cultivate my persona of being intensely private and secretive. My friends do not even know when I am dating someone. This comes out of not wanting people to meddle but the meddling actually comes about from my not telling them about my dates or the woman that I am dating. I am also doing the person I am dating a disservice by not telling my friends about them. What am I keeping secret? What ends up happening with my being private/secretive about the woman I am dating is that I end up being closed off and not open with her, this a recipe for failure in a relationship.
Obviously, I know my secrecy and privacy in the end is not healthy for myself and leaves many people whom I care about and I hope care about me wondering and creating their own ideas of my life and being left out of it.